Monday, June 30, 2008

Violent Acts I Was Driven to Commit

And now a list of angry, violent acts I've wanted to commit because of my inexplicably slow, painful internet connection on my very expensive, brand new MacBook:

- rip my eyes out of my skull and blindly squeeze eyeball ooze all over the keys
- stick glass straws into major arteries and twirl around my room, flinging blood every which way
- peel my skin off in long satisfying strips, paste the strips on the screen neatly, afterwards taking myself outside into the sun so that I may die of exposure and coyotes can eat me
- leap through my window with my laptop pressed against my chest, hurl myself over the rail and into the canyon, while tumbling over and over until eventually my head smashes into a tree and explodes
- tear clumps of hair out of my skull, then scalp myself, then bring down my newly empancipated skullcap upon my laptop with impressive force
- scream until I burst a blood vessel in my brain, mercifully sending me into the great unknown of death, where Macs do not exist and there is only blackness and an absence of thought and technology and where I no longer have to watch YouTube videos only load one minute of content and then freeze FOR NO GOOD REASON! WHY WON'T YOU PERFORM THE BASIC FUNCTIONS YOU WERE DESIGNED TO DO YOU STUPID, GODFORSAKEN MACHINE?????!!!!!!!


No comments: