Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Yesterday I went to the Ralph's across from UCLA to buy snacks. I've been on this crazy new diet I call, "Eat Real Healthy," and it leaves me feeling monstrously hungry after meals. So, to combat, I bought Eat Real Healthy snacks. Which are actually just Slim Fast snack bars.

Look, Judgington Bear, I just need something I can shove in my mouth between meals, so I can stay at work without gulping down my stapler. Don't give me that look for buying Slim Fast products.

So I buy my Slim Fasts, my peanut butter, my toilet paper, my Rye Crisps, etc. and I get the hell out. Not before encountering the most tedious and irritating of self-checkout stations, the tale of which is too tedious and boring to recount. So then I'm on my way, up the elevator, into the car, and headed toward the parking attendant. While waiting in my car to pull up to said attendant, I hungrily tear open a Slim Fast bar and eat it like a savage, because I know that from Ralph's to home, it's still going to be another hour or so before I've both cooked and eaten dinner. I don't have the glucose to sustain such an operation without this Slim Fast. So with my half-eaten bar in one hand, I give the man my validated parking ticket with the other. And he says, indicating the Slim Fast, "That looks good. Can I have one?"

Let me be clear: the man whose job it is to let people out of the grocery store parking lot asked me for some of my groceries.

Call me a prig, but that seems very bad form indeed. Just plain rude. Things I can liken this to:

- having the security guy on your way out at Best Buy say, "Those look like good movies. Can I watch 20 minutes of one?"
- having the Starbucks barista ask for a sip of the mocha she just made you
- having your Subway sandwich artist ask if he can have a tomato off the footlong he just made you
- having the employee at home depot ask for a cup of the paint he just mixed for you

... but to be very specific, it is almost EXACTLY like this:

- having the security guy on your way out at a bank say, "Hey, those 41 dollars you just withdrew from your checking account sure look good. Can I have one?"

So I said, "Really?"

And he said, "Yeah, I just got back from break, but I didn't eat anything."

So he's told me, voluntarily, that he just had the opportunity to eat and did nothing about it. And now I am to make up for this error on his part and hand him one of my Slim Fast bars.

And so I fucking did. I handed him one of my stupid Slim Fast bars. Because I'm not an asshole, I'm a good person. But let's get this straight: I am resentfully so.


Chris Kelly said...

UGH I hate situations like that! Because you can't say no, you HAVE to give the bar to them, you HAVE to - even though as you're handing it to them, youre thinking "it would not make me a bad person to not give them this". But you do, you give it to them.

God, I just got so mad.

Fuck those people.

Philip Bertulfo said...

You gave him the poison one, though, right?

Erin C. said...

Damn. I'm hungry now.