Friday, October 12, 2007


I have long, thick, dark hair. This is a fact about me. This is observed easily upon meeting me. What is not immediately apparent is the trouble this causes me. For one thing, it's very unruly and takes much product to subdue it into a "do." It is for this reason I have only two looks: down and not-down. The other big problem is how much of it I lose. The answer to how much? is A LOT. Daily. So much shedding of hair. So much of my hair lives on the floor of our apartment. It's like we live on top of a carpet made of my DNA. You can't see it, but it's there, laying in wait until it can either take over or until it gets vacuumed.

The worst aspect of this, which I have only recently come to fully appreciate, is the clogging of my shower drain. Oh, I knew my hair had the talent to do this. But in all the years before, I didn't take care of this myself. It was taken care of for me, some some nice man employed by my building. Now, I have learned that taking care of this building's pipes isn't terribly high on Rebecca's (the manager) list of priorities. So I, like the fancy grownup I am, clear out my own shower drain.

What you cannot, none of you, can understand is that this is a HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE. Not because it's difficult, not because I don't know how, but because when my hair goes down a drain, it then, unbeknown to the rest of humanity, liquifies into the most vile substance this world has ever seen. I will be pulling out hairs that have wrapped themselves around the drain prongs, or whatever they are, and I pull and I pull and I pull and then suddenly and WITHOUT WARNING these hairs will pull up with them a beastly, black sort of a goop that has gathered in the drain. It is the culmination of months of hair and soap and water and skin cells and . . . I don't know . . . bile? Can it be bile? I know that's some sort of horrible substance in one's liver, but I can only think it's partly bile. And it has a smell to it. It smells like death. Frankly, it smells evil. I know evil isn't a smell, but if it were, it would smell like this substance I have to pull out of my shower drain.

The first time I had to do this was horrible because I didn't know what was about to happen to me. But I had to do this again two days ago and even though I thought I was prepared, when it came out again, in it's long, slimy, rank way, I nearly fell over, vomited, screamed, and fainted all at the same time. Like, I know what it's like to fight a demon now. This stuff, this whatever it is . . . it's like Satan came over to my apartment and masturbated in my shower. That's the only way I can think to describe it effectively. It is like the black, evil, death-smelling ejaculate of Beelzebub.

And the next time you look at my long hair, I hope you think of this story.

1 comment:

Myka said...

Oh... I know that nasty substance well. When I lived with roommates I traded doing every other chore in the house if they would just do the hair unclogging business.

In my wholly un-vomiting life, it is it the only thing that can successfully bring food back through my pyloric sphincter.

Thank you for documenting this occurance.