Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Continuing Adventures of Lindsay and Lindsey

An actual conversation that took place right in front of me between my boss and the New Girl, my replacement:

Boss: Yeah, just send me the trouble patients. They're my specialty.

New Girl: Yeah, your patients du jour. (followed by the usual self-satisfied, uproarious laughter at her own comment)

Boss: ______, you are so funny! You should be a comedian. You know, that's Lindsay's thing - comedy. You two should team up. You could feed off one another.


And then my brain exploded out of my head.

First of all, to my 60-something boss: No, no she is not and don't you ever encourage her again. I see now that it's people like you who created her. In fact, I'd bet that you didn't even think her comment was amusing, you were merely falling in line with the expectation she's been hammering into all of our heads ever since she got here, by laughing herself at everything she fucking says. She's trying to create some kind of Pavlovian response in us! Resist, Boss Lady! You must resist!

Secondly, to New Girl: "du jour" is French for "of the day." The French word you were looking for, if you wanted to use a French word so badly, was "spécialité," damnit. And I don't even know French, so you have no excuse for this offense. So not only was your comment (a) unfunny, it was also (b) not a even a fucking joke to begin with, and (c) didn't make any fucking sense. All you ended up saying was "patients of the day." Which is NOT AT ALL WHAT OUR BOSS WAS SAYING. If it's her SPECIALTY it means she ALWAYS takes them, which completely voids the use of "OF THE DAY," since it's a DAILY occurance.

So why did you say this? I'm willing to bet you don't even know. Well, you know what? I do. I know. In fact, I will track for you what path your brain took to get to what you thought was a "joke." Your thought process was: specialty ----> specials ----> today's specials ----> du jour. And that is how your brain had any reason to believe that "du jour" was even remotely connected to the word "specialty." Now, as to why on this island earth you thought that the mere act of saying something in French in any way constitutes having "made a joke," I do not know and I can do naught but pray to the gods that you stop doing this to me. Yes, to me. I am taking it as a personal offense.

Perhaps I would have been more forgiving of this incident were it not followed later in the day by this one:

The setup: Dr. K is a regular guy with a regular sense of humor. This is no crime. I do not expect everyone I meet to be all hilarity all the time. In fact, Dr. K does make comments that I genuinely laugh at and am impressed by, I would say 100% more than I do at anything New Girl ever says. Also, he doesn't try to force me to laugh. That's really what this all comes down to. So, back to the point, he's quoting Mike Myers's "Coffee Talk" sketches from SNL. While I'm not actually entertained by all the impressions he's doing of Mike Myers, I'm smiling and nodding and laughing in the appropriate places, so as to be polite. Because no, I don't think it's that funny to see anyone but Mike Myers do that bit, but I'm certainly not judging him for trying to connect with a couple of co-workers by bringing up something he thinks we probably all enjoy. So that goes on for a little while and then he leaves for the day. And right after he leaves, New Girl says this:

(sighing sadly and then in a condescending, patronizing tone of voice) Aw, Dr. K thinks he's funny.

And she didn't realize it, but at that very moment, she ceased to be human and instead turned into the physical embodiment of IRONY ITSELF. I saw it, I watched her human soul fly out and I saw it get replaced by the very soul of irony - dramatic, tragic irony. And she didn't even realize it.

Oh. My. God. Dr. K thinks he's funny?? DR. K thinks he's funny??? Dr. K IS sometimes funny, wheras you terrorize me on a daily basis, trying to get me to proclaim you the funniest person I know by making NON-JOKES. And then you turn around and say THIS?

And then my brain exploded out of my head again.

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