The Abrams Breakup, Continued

Okay, so Star Trek was fine. It was fine.

Lost is still a bunch of bullshit though.

Also, oh blog of mine, I have abandoned you for Tumblr. Because I'm lazy. I'm sorry, blog. I'll figure out what to do with you later.

http://lindsaykatai.tumblr.com

In the meantime, I made this and I think it's funny:

Who the fuck you think you talking to?

This kid is the most gifted actor of our time. If this were the olden days of theatre, he'd being playing Juliet in Romeo & Juliet. He's like Billy Crudup's character in Stage Beauty. He has captured the female voice.

And she's available, fellas . . .

I finally got my disgusting toe taken care of. You know ... my disgusting, infected, ingrown toenail toe? You know, the one that I talk about a lot because I will never, never stop thinking there's something funny about forcing uncalled-for images of an infected tow upon your delicate, human psyche? Yes, that disgusting toe.

I went in for two reasons:

1. Yesterday it hit me that it had probably been really bad for six months already. I suddenly remembered having foisted disgusting toe talk upon the internet as long as six months ago. This greatly disturbed me.

2. Upon telling my mother this over the phone, she called me stupid for the first time in my entire life. My mother would never and has never called me stupid. However, the lady made some excellent points about not letting myself die as though I were a soldier in the Civil War.

That being said, I am now home in San Diego, forcing my mother to take care of me and look at my gross, post-"surgery" toe ... as payback for calling me stupid.

I am also here to finally purchase a replacement car for my dearly departed Mazda, from a neighbor of my mother's. What is my new car, you might be wondering? Oh, it's a '92 Infiniti convertible ... AND IT HAS A CAR PHONE. Jealous? Don't bothering answering that. It's so obvious that you are.

Yes We Can?

My buddy Mel Cowan and some funny girl name Molly (who I might also know but the certainty of which is unavailable to my brain computer right now) have begun a great blog called "Yes We Can?" It is a posting of conversations they have over AIM about everyone's favorite current President ... you know the one ... you know, that guy ... that guy who is great ... you know ...

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

(Sorry, that's the first time I've said that on this blog and I felt it needed a weighty lead-up.)

Anyway, the blog is here and it's already funny:

http://mollyandmel.tumblr.com/

SF Sketchfest 2009!

Casting Couch will be up in San Francisco next weekend to perform at SF Sketchfest.

Friday, January 23
SF Sketchfest in the Mission:
Serve By Expiration, Dry Hump and Casting Couch
The Dark Room at 8PM, $12
buy tickets

Saturday, January 24
SF Sketchfest in the Mission:
VentureTek, Dry Hump and Casting Couch
The Dark Room at 10:30PM, $12
buy tickets

Come see us!

Look Into These

Music suggestions, everyone!

- And the Moneynotes' "New Cornucopia!"

Remnicient of early rock-n-roll, folk, and alternative all at once. Pretty damned delightful. I recommend especially: Bolinda, And Offering, The Moonshine, and A Pirate's Confession III.

- Dr. Dog's "Fate" and "We All Belong"

Every. Single. Song.

- The Two Gentleman Band's "Heavy Petting"

It's like if The Gay Nineties/The Depression went bluegrass, got a modern sense of humor, and started working a little bit blue. Lots of banjo & kazoo. Songs about William Howard Taft, prohibition, love, strong men, unicycles, etc. Most of the songs sound pretty much the same, but are no less enjoyable for it. I recommend especially: William Howard Taft and The Square Root of Two.

Bad Luck

The following things have happened to me since Thanksgiving:

- I totaled my car
- I was laid-off from Fox
- I was informed I'm being sued by a man I got in an accident with in October 2007 when we were both going TWO MILES AN HOUR and HE WAVED ME FORWARD
- Someone keyed my rental car and I have to pay $578 to repair it
- My mom lent me her car to replace the rental in the interim before I get a new car and as soon as I got it, the check engine light went on.

Hello, 2009, you beautiful bastard.

"THE EARTH IS COLD AND DARK!"

The above quote comes from Miss Leta Armstrong, daughter of Jon Armstrong and Dooce.com's Heather Armstrong. And I think it perfectly illustrates why Leta and I would have been best friends had we been the same age and introduced.

Anyway, the entry is here and it made me laugh - as Dooce always does.

Amendements To A Breakup & A Car Crash

Two things, quickly, related to that last post:

1. The fact that Simon Pegg, WHO I LOVE, is in the new Star Trek movie does not alter my hatred for its existence.

2. I should say that really, I was cheating on J.J. Abrams with Aaron Sorkin the whole latter half of our relationship anyway. Alias, you are no West Wing.

Onto other things:

I got into a semi-serious car accident last Wednesday morning on my way to work. It had been raining the night before and I guess I needed new tires and/or to replace my brakes, because when I pressed on the breaks to avoid rear-ending the SUV in front of me, it helped do nothing of the kind. Instead, I went full speed into the SUV. So hard, in fact, that my car ended up a foot under her car, tearing my front bumper asunder, leaving my engine hanging out for all the world to see, and crunching my hood into my windshield. Casualties of the car accident would be: 1) my fucking car and 2) the skin under my chin. Just so you know, you're all taking the skin under your chins for granted. You should take that skin out to dinner once in a while and certainly surprise it with flowers more often than you do.

There's got to be a better description than "the skin under your chin." You know what I'm talking about, right? You know ... if you were a turkey, you'd have a thing there. You know ... a thing? A neck thing? That's where I got hurt. Right there. That airbag may have saved me from having a broken nose and cheekbones and ... you know ... a broken face in general, but considering it is supposedly a tool for good and not evil, it has a funny way of showing it. By a funny way of showing it, I mean: EXPLODED AT MY FACE AND TORE SKIN OFF.

Okay, I'm making it sound like I look like the Phantom of the Opera now. I'm playing this journal entry a little fast and loose, I apologize. Sloppy blogging. I'm fine, apart from some minor cuts and bruises and the aforementioned turkey neck injury. But that does not change the fact that a bag exploded in my face and I didn't enjoy it. And I have no car.

I don't know how to end this. Buy me a new car. There. The end.

ADD-ON, 5PM:
1. I would like it noted that I walked the rest of the way to work after the policemen, fire truck, and tow truck drove away and left me crying by myself in the middle of Sunset, in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel, holding what personal items from my car I could carry in my arms. I just want it noted that I am a strong human being and a dedicated employee ... who then got a ride home from a kind friend a couple hours later ... and who is blogging on the company's dime right now. Nevertheless: walked to work.

2. Car crashes are really scary.

J.J. Abrams, We Are Through

I was introduced to J.J. Abrams by some friends who were heavily into Felicity. I would sit in on some episodes and they were fine, but I just considered J.J. Abrams a friend.

Then Alias came along and I suddenly began to see J.J. Abrams in a new light. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love. I would forego hanging out with friends to spend all my time with Alias. When we were apart, I thought of nothing but Alias. Everything else in my life paled in comparison to the excitement, the storylines, the drama. Sure, we had our differences ... like my feeling that season five was total bullshit. But there were outside circumstances, like pregnancy. And Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan's off-show relationship completely ruining the perfection that was their on-screen relationship. I could hardly hold J.J. Abrams, the love of my life, responsible for those things. So we worked through it.

And then Lost came along and it seemed we were stronger than ever. For two beautiful years. Two years I wouldn't trade for anything. Then J.J. Abrams started to change. At first, I thought it was just a phase. I mean, he set up a lot of mysteries in Alias, but he brought them to such satisfying conclusions. Surely, he was the same competent storyteller I'd fallen in love with. Surely all this Lost setup was going to go somewhere.

Well, it can be hard to see someone you love change. Sometimes, you stay in a serious state of denial. Friends bring up completely valid points about gaping plot holes and you tell them to shut up, that they don't know J.J. Abrams like you know J.J. Abrams. That you know in your heart that everything's headed toward an amazing conclusion and they'll regret having voiced any doubts about the man you love. My state of denial had progressed so far that I didn't even see Cloverfield. I was unwilling to look at anything that might force me to acknowledge what I already knew: that J.J. Abrams had been jerking me around for years, never really willing to commit the time to plan things out; he was just jumping from one exciting thing to the next. And that's all fine and dandy for a fling. But I'd been with this guy for eight seasons of shows. It was time to really think about whether or not this relationship was going anywhere.

So we took a break. I stopped watching Lost. I got along without him. But then I ran into Lost over the summer and it looked like J.J. Abrams was getting his shit together. A few questions were being answered, Ben was getting a lot of screen time, he even brought Michael back as a sign of his seriousness. On top of all that, he'd directed a Star Trek movie. It was like he was telling me that he was ready to commit to the things I love. But if I'm being honest, I'd gone back to ignoring his faults again. Like the fact that he was still setting up more questions than he was answering (like why the fuck is it winter down by the giant turn-y thing?). Or that he'd said, "I don't care about Star Trek fans," when I am one. I guess I thought that didn't apply to me, or that, in the end, he would honor the franchise like he should.

Sure, I should have known better. I should have known it wouldn't be good. But still ... I never saw THIS coming:



J.J. Abrams just did the relationship equivalent of fucking my sister.

Way to take a forty year old, beloved American franchise and turn it into the most generic looking action movie possible; populating it with boring, symmetrically faced, Teen Vogue looking assholes. And are you joking when you include a scene of Tween Kirk jumping out of a car going over a cliff?

We are so over, J.J. Abrams. A relationship doesn't bounce back from this kind of betrayal. You are dead to me. And it's not even really about me. I didn't even start watching Star Trek until last year. And I make fun of it. A lot. But it's because I have a genuine affection and respect for it, and for the values and sensibility it preached. And because Picard is God. You clearly have no respect for the people who came before you, who paved the way for sci-fi and fantasy and action when you were still in shitty, never-resolving plot diapers. And it's not even just that you seem to have raped Star Trek with your giant dick of not-giving-a-fuck. It's also that it just looks like a bad movie.

So get your fucking five seasons of Alias and your four seasons of Lost and get the fuck out of my house. And don't you dare come crawling back to me with some supposedly amazing fifth season of Lost because I don't want to hear your bullshit anymore. Nor will I stand for you trying to get close to me again through my friends and family. If they come to me, telling me how you're sorry or you've changed or Lost is good again or the Star Trek movie really wasn't that bad, I will not hear a word of it. And if in this movie, Uhura is constantly trying to decide between Kirk and Spock, I'm gonna reboot a franchise all over your face.

Recent Tweets

I am stealing this "Recent Tweets" blogging idea from Matthew Baldwin at Defective Yeti. Because lately, nothing I think up seems to be longer than 140 characters anyway:

Old Boss is raking it in with her homemade jewelry sales around the office. Quick, I need to learn a craft! Silhouetting? That's a thing. about 2 hours ago from web

Fuck, Brain, why's it so hard to read tweets w/ earbuds in? Dunno, Katai. What's so hard bout multiple penetration? ... Point taken, Brain. 1:07 PM Nov 16th from web

4/1/1969. I bet this person fucking hates telling people when their birthday is. 4:38 PM Nov 12th from web

Eating yams and watching The West Wing in my underwear. Hat tip: studio apt. 8:25 PM Nov 11th from txt

2 min of "Chuck" is enough to show me I'm right not to watch this. Hey! Flashback girl is biting my brown hair/red glasses look. Fuck THAT. 5:54 PM Nov 11th from web

Is that ... the Quantum Leap theme I hear from my neighbor's? YES! Oh man, I hope Sam's a girl in this one. 11:09 PM Nov 7th from txt

5 guy-bachelor party in audience @ UCB asked me to join them, but I just wasn't in a get-raped kind of mood. 10:58 PM Nov 7th from txt

Si se puede!

For some reason, when trying to think of something to write right now, Madonna's "Like a Prayer" popped into my head. So ... sure. Somehow, this seems appropriate. So, Obama, this one's for you:

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels life home

When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

I hear your voice, It's like an angel sighing
I have no choice, I hear your voice
Feels like flying
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky, I close my eyes
Heaven help me

When you call my name it's like a little prayer
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there

Like a child you whisper softly to me
You're in control just like a child
Now I'm dancing
It's like a dream, no end and no beginning
You're here with me, it's like a dream
Let the choir sing

Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there
Just like a muse to me
You are a mystery
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem
Just like a prayer
No choice
Your voice can take me there

Just like a prayer
I'll take you there
It's like a dream to me

Hah. That's ridiculous.

Here, instead, I post this in all seriousness:



(Hat tip: Sullivan.)

I regret voting by mail now. I wish I had allowed myself the full experience of going to a polling place with my fellows and having my teary-eyed moment of marking my ballot for Obama and No on 8. This morning, driving past the Mormon Temple on Santa Monica Blvd, I saw a group on Yes on 8 assholes. So as I approached, I rolled down my window and gave them an enthusiastic thumbs down. I felt it was both spirited and unoffensive. I got a hearty "Shut up!" from a guy with a "1 Man 1 Woman" sign. I felt energized afterward. Ah, political discourse.

Here is a transcript of the text message exchange that just occurred between myself and my little sister, who moved to New York last Friday:

Me: I'm freaking out!
Her: I know!! Wait ... you mean about the election right?
Me: Haha. Yeah. Love you!!!
Her: Love you too!! Go Obama!!
Me: OBAMA 08! YES WE CAN!
Her: Si se puede!

Yes we motherfucking can '08.

99 Problems

So because I had the time, the inclination, and the sense of the ridiculous ... I re-wrote the lyrics to Jay-Z's "99 Problems" for the election. Uh ... enjoy?

---------------

If you votin' McCain I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems and Barack ain't one

I got ol' McC incitin' violence 'gainst BO
Foes that wanna make sure his campaign folds
BO critics say he's pallin' with US foes
It was an ed board, stupid, what type of facts are those
Barack campaigning with holes in his zapatos
GOP shoppin' for Palin like they ain't short of dough
I'm like fuck GOP, spend one fifty thousand mo'
While Barack buys network time cuz his thinkin's forward
Got beef with Palin saying I ain't playing Pro-
American, but that's just what I am SO
Red mags try an' blame elite class
So contributors give GOP mo' cash for bad ads, fuckers
I don't know what you take us as,
Or understand the intelligence this nation has
Gone from riches to rags, niggas we ain't dumb
We got 99 problems but Barack ain't one
Hear me

99 problems but Barack ain't one
If you're havin' Palin problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but Barack ain't one
Hear me

The year's '08 and my health is raw
I got pre-existing status like I'm 84
I got no choices y'all and this is just par
Can't get no healthcare - that should be against the law
Now I ain't tryin' to see no welfare state with pay.
But mad insurance profits seem to make the case
For change...tune in to see the campaigns unfold
I heard "My friends do you know what Barack stands for?"
Cause he's young and he's black and your tactics are low?
Do I doubt Barack's intentions sir, oh hell no
You sayin' he a terrorist or should I guess some mo'?
"Well he was pallin' with Ayers in 2000 y'know"
"Givin' credence to anti-Semites who want to start a war"
"Israeli Jews should be afraid of who his friends are"
Nah, I ain't buyin' yo shit none of these claims are legit
"Well, do you mind if I bring up Reverend Wright a little bit?"
Well your VP's gone half-cocked, wants to bring that line back
But we already know the story so you look like a partisan hack
"Aren't you sharp as a tack, you been in a think tank or something'?"
"Runnin' a ground campaign or somethin'?"
Nah, I ain't no expert but I know a little bit
Enough that you won't sway my vote with this shit
"We'll see how smart you are when November four come"
I got 99 problems but Barack ain't one
Hear me


99 Problems but Barack ain't one
if you payin' attention McCain won't get you son
I got 99 problems but Barack ain't one
Hear me

99 Problems but Barack ain't one
This economy failin' Barack know what to do son
We got 99 problems but Barack ain't one
Hit me

Now once upon a time not too long ago
The global pool a' money really started to grow
This is not from banks havin' a good sense a' market
But a market havin' no God Damn sense, bubble goes poppin'
McCain tried to posture say he was battlin' the storm
Cancel a campaign, some fools sho like to perform
You know the type loud as a motor bike
But couldn't pass a plan to save his damn life
The only thing that's gon' happen is Barack gon' get to clappin'
McC and his boys gon be yappin to the MSM
And there McC goes trapped in the news cyc again
Back through the system with the Schmidt ass again
Fiends on the floor with their lyin' ads again
Smell of desperation be waftin' off'a them
Polls be givin' McCain the shaft again
$700 mil bail fo' banks so they ain't all B of A, friend
Yet 9 months ago Obama was harrasin' them
Tryin to warn Bernanke of the trouble ahead
But ain't nothin sweet 'bout I told you so
We got 99 problems, but Barack ain't one.
Hit me

We got 99 problems but Barack ain't one
If you votin' McCain, y'ought rethink that shit son
99 problems but Barack ain't one

99 problems but Barack ain't one
if you want 'em solved you best go vote Democrat son
99 problems but Barack ain't one

99 problems but Barack ain't one
you know he's ready to lead, do yourself a favor and run
to vote O-ba-ma in the '08 election

HOLY SHIT!

From Five Thirty Eight:

Halloween v. Election

It's too difficult to be excited about my favorite holiday right now. Don't play coy with me, Election. It makes it really hard to find my current girlfriend, Halloween, all that sexy when you're in the next room making bedroom eyes at me.

It turns out that Election Mind Boner is far more powerful than Halloween Mind Boner.

This metaphor got super weird on me.